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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Profile Picture Meanings

Facebook Profile Pic – Profiles

Here are my results for the types of pictures with long drawn out details on why they suck.

1) The Emo Pic

Facebook Emo Profile

Cos your life sucks so much, right?

Ethos of this Facebook user: I’m so misunderstood, no one really gets me, the world isn’t ready for people like me. I have the right to show everyone what I think they want to see of my false nature because I’m too frightened to be myself. I’m a frightened little boy/girl so please don’t scare me with your bold statements and facts about the real world. I’m spoiled by my parents who don’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager. I’m a baby whiner with no opinion of my own.

My Conclusion: Look folks, scrape that greasy mop of hair off your face to start with. Dump the pathetic pout and the black nail polish. Just because you have the black & white setting on your camera phone it doesn’t mean using it makes you artistic or emotional, it makes you look foolish and so immature. Do you know how to smile?

What it says about the user: Sad, lonely, frightened, pathetic, whiney.

2) The Couples Kissing Pic

Facebook Couples Kissing

Give it a break, no one cares whose face you're sucking on!

Ethos of this Facebook user: Look at us! Look!!!! Don’t we look great together? Isn’t my boy/girl friend so passionate and caring and sensitive? I feel a great need to share my intimate moments with total strangers who don’t know me and don’t give a shit about my personal life because…well, everyone does it. I want to prove I have a boy/girl friend to my peers even though I am most likely using a stock photo or stole this pic from the net. I’m just so in love that I can’t be content with this feeling until I have at least 100 replies on my new pic by the end of the day.

My Conclusion: Just because you change your Facebook status to “in love!” or “mad for my gf” it doesn’t mean anyone gives a shit. No one is that interested in seeing a pic of two people swapping saliva on your Facebook page. It doesn’t matter that you have 300 albums of similar face sucking pics, your relationship is pretty much doomed the moment you decided to share it with the world. You have made it meaningless by sharing what should be an intimate moment, something sacred between two people. If we want to view softcore porn we can find it through Google or Myspace. Stop it now!

What it says about the user: Desperate for lots of confirmation (LIKES) that proves you have friends.

3) The Cute Childhood Pic

Awww, aren't they adorable?

Are you just as cute now?

Ethos of this Facebook user: I was soooo cute when I was ickle, just look at my cute smile and ickle button nose! I remember my childhood with happy fondness, oh the memories are just golden! I don’t want to post any recent pic on my profile, I want people to see and acknowledge (at least 50 LIKES pls) that I am a happy, fun, cute individual and always have been. I took ages scanning in ALL my old childhood photos and now have 600 albums filled with grainy shots of me playing on the beach looking cute, just like millions of other kids.

My Conclusion: So the 1970′s were good for you too eh? I bet you have a load of pics of you in a Halloween costume or that first day of school, or perhaps a day at the beach/theme park/wedding/birthday/other pointless social event. No one cares. Most of us who are able to use Facebook have mountains of photos exactly the same, the point is that the rest of us don’t post them on our profiles because we’re not hideous monsters who need to wear a bag over our head when in public. How about you post a recent pic of yourself so we can see the horror that evolved from your cute childhood years.

What it says about the user: Ugly minger. Stuck in the past. Probably has deep-rooted personal issues.

4) The Baby Pic

Facebook Baby Pic

You seriously post pics of your precious baby ONLINE?

Ethos of this Facebook user: I’ve just given birth and the first thing I’m going to do (after I send this quick text before I touch my baby for the first time) is post a billion pics on my Facebook page. I’m so happy and excited that everyone needs to know exactly what my baby looks like. Facebook is made for sharing, and our friends & family need to see these pics because we live in a remote part of the world where we never ever see anyone.

My Conclusion: Yes, yes, the miracle of birth is a gift to us all, we are truly blessed that yet another mouth to feed has arrived on an already overpopulated planet. Your baby is very cute but that doesn’t mean I have a burning desire to log in to Facebook and write oodles of cutesy comments about your new born’s latest bowel movement. And please don’t invite me to flick through endless shots in one of your 400 albums where the photos were all taken on the first day, first afternoon of your kids life. Jesus! Give it some space to come to terms with life outside the womb before you thrust it down the neck of the digital world!!

What it says about the user: Egocentric. Possibly mental. Lacks understanding of the scary nature of the internet.

A Run Down Of The Worst of Best of The Rest.

Naturally there are some missing but I grew weary of staring at the same dumb user pics. The ones I’ve left out are pretty self-explanatory so I’m only offering brief explanations:

The Cartoon Pic - For those too lazy to find an actual photo.

The Obvious Lesbian Pic – For the newly outed lesbian with the motto: “Screw the world, I’m a rug muncher so get used to it.”

The Logo Pic – See The Cartoon Pic

The Company Advert Pic – For the ageing guy who doesn’t realise this will never bring him any business.

The Food “Sexual Innuendo Implied (snigger)” Pic – For the male joker who never gets laid.

The Famous Work of Art Pic – For the university student who thinks too highly of themselves.

The Celebrity Pic – For the idiots who hope someone will actually think they are a real celebrity.

The Blurry X-Rated Pic – For the type who wants people to ask if they have a none blurry pic.

The Nature is Wonderful Pic – For the tree hugging, save the planet type who doesn’t understand how much carbon they use by running a PC.

The Religious Pic – For the people who think they can convert others by displaying a few pixels of a dead Jesus.

The Book Cover Pic – For people who think they are well read but really aren’t.

The Rock n Roll Slogan Pic – For smelly people who don’t understand anything beyond their Slayer or Korn lyrics.

-got all these from a site